Hardwired for relationship

What is it about reality tv shows and the human condition?

My Kitchen Rules

So you think you can dance?

It started with Survivor, and now each night on Aussie TV, and I'm guessing where you are also, the assortment of shows continues relentlessly. Australian Idol, So you think you can dance, My Kitchen Rules, The Block, The Apprentice, the Bachelor, the list continues ad nauseum. But someone thinks this makes sense. And someone else knows it makes dollars and cents. Abundantly. Why is that?

Sociologist and New York University professor Eric Klinenberg teamed up with actor/ comedian Aziz Ansari to unpack relationships in a book that was released this month. Ansari constantly chased love as wannabe ladykiller Tom Haverford in TV show Parks and Recreation, and contemplates the strangeness of online dating throughout his standup comedy.

Modern Romance, their collaborative book, used a rigorous and data-led examination of how we date. The pair conducted hundreds of interviews with people from Japan to the American midwest to gauge how love, sex and relationships have changed with the advent of networked technology.

They even set up a research forum on Reddit, Modern Romantics, which asked questions like “Has anyone tried an ‘open relationship’? What were the rules? How did it go? Would you do it again?” and “Has anyone hired a consultant to help you put together an online dating profile or worked with a dating coach? How’d that go?”

Klinenberg, meanwhile, is similarly steeped in the study of modern relationships. His book Going Solo: The Extraordinary Rise and Surprising Appeal of Living Alone, published last year, examined how solo living has become so prevalent in recent years that there are now more people living alone in the US than nuclear families living together.

So my question remains. What is it about reality tv shows and the human condition?

I believe we are all hardwired for relationship. 

I read a long thesis from the UK while studying for this blog. It's here online . Written by Val Gillies for Families & Social Capital ESRC Research Group, of South Bank University and published 12 years ago, the historical review of sociology is excellent and well worth a long-read. Val looks back at trends and evaluates the changes in society over generations, focusing principally from the 1960s onwards.

For instance, "Raymond Firth and colleagues(1969) also focused on middle class families, emphasising the continued significance of selected or chosen kin relationships. These studies were extremely influential and spurred a new interest in social networks, communities and more specifically kinship systems. Although such topics eventually fell out of favour they have recently been revived by social capital theorists attempting to measure the value of social connectedness. The major focus in the 1960s and ‘70s was on determining the norms of obligation and reciprocity governing such relationships, in the context of a general consensus that kinship ties are the closest and most committed (Crow and Allan 1994)" 

 

Gillies goes on to discuss 'companionate marriage,' "As Janet Finch and Penny Mansfield (1991) point out, the notion of ‘companionate marriage’ emerged as an ideal amid a post-war concern to consolidate and stabilise family life. Emphasis was placed on the principles of ‘partnership’, sharing and greater equality between the sexes, and the advent of a new, more home-centred family life. Sociological writings, particularly the community studies of the 1950s and 60s, commonly drew on and reproduced this companionate ideology when theorising about family."

 

The term "Companionate marriage" of course would widen in the next few decades into homosexual and other partnering types. But the point is that people want relationships, and although 'family' as traditional is not always the norm, the value of real people really speaking into real people's lives is continuing. 

 

This one section about modernity and 'individualisation' really spoke to me. "Beck and Beck-Gernsheim’s ‘individualisation thesis’ articulates a similar picture, suggesting that a new age of modernity has replaced the old predictabilities and certainties of industrial society, bringing with it new risks and opportunities (Beck and Beck-Gernsheim 1995, 2002). They argue that these changes have fundamentally altered the experience of love, sexuality and family life, placing intimacy at the heart of detraditionalised life. Liberated from precepts and conventions individuals become authors of their own lifescripts, but while this process of ‘individualisation’ weakens and challenges traditional social ties of kinship and marriage, love and intimacy are ever more sought after to ease the isolation of this autonomy: ‘For individuals who have to invent or find their own social setting, love becomes the central pivot giving meaning to their lives’ (Beck and Beck-Gernsheim 1995: 170).

 

All this to say that I believe we are hardwired for relationships. We need others. We need to know and be known by others. We want to be human with other humans. And whether these relationships are forced as in arranged marriages, or simply as two young people find each other and marry, or we are hoping for that selfie with another who is prominent in footy or The Bachelor, we want to know and be known. 

 

The problem of course, with the reality shows is two fold. One, they are not real. The camera crew and others on production staff also fill 'the island' or the 'kitchen' or the home to be renovated. The scripts are carefully edited; the dangers filmed but rarely truly shown. The second problem is that we might know of bit of the back story of their journey of the candidates for Dancer or Singer or Talent of the show, they in fact, know nothing of us. No relationship is actual. It is entirely voyeuristic. We know what we know about them. They know nothing of me or you. We are 'the audience' and 'the fans whom I would like to thank for voting for me. I love each of you,' says each winner, but they don't really love us. They don't know us at all.

 

Our desire to be known and to know is thus dissatisfied. We fail in relationships. And yet, we are still hardwired for them. So where can we go? 

I believe, as you might expect, that it all begins with relationship with God. He is to be known, and has made it clear how that happens in the pages of the Bible. He wants to be in relationship with us, but we fail a fair bit. Consider these phrases, all from the apostle Paul:

1Cor. 1.21 For since in the wisdom of God the world through its wisdom did not come to know God, God was well-pleased through the foolishness of the message preached to save those who believe.

Gal. 4.9 But now that you have come to know God, or rather to be known by God, how is it that you turn back again to the weak and worthless elemental things, to which you desire to be enslaved all over again?

Titus 1.16 They profess to know God, but by their deeds they deny Him, being detestable and disobedient, and worthless for any good deed.

Knowing God is about knowing Jesus. He said as much in his final (listed) prayer, "And this is eternal life, that they may know Thee, the only true God, and Yeshua the Messiah whom Thou hast sent." (John 17.3) This is the key to eternity. Knowing Yeshua as Messiah and knowing His Father, from whom all good things come. Yeshua said, "My sheep hear My voice and I know them, and I give them eternal life." (John 10.27-28) Knowing whom to follow and whose voice it is ... that's eternal life. Being in relationship with Him makes all things new. 

Then He gives us others, in families, or in congregations, or around the world via Skype and online LiveChat who are in fact, family.  The apostle John said, "if we walk in the light as He Himself is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus His Son cleanses us from all sin." (1 John 1.9) This fellowship is real and deep. It's personal and much better than a cheer or cheerleader on a Television reality show. 

No wonder John said moments earlier, "what we have seen and heard we proclaim to you also, that you also may have fellowship with us; and indeed our fellowship is with the Father, and with His Son Yeshua the Messiah." (1 John 1.3)

Hardwired for relationship? It all starts with the Almighty. Get right with Him and then you will find others, also cleansed by His love and forgiveness, with whom you can share abundantly.  Want to try that one on?

 

 

 

Stabbing the fat man: Ehud and Othniel

By Bob Mendelsohn

Given in Moscow, Russia

6 June 2014

Today is commonly nicknamed D-Day in the English-speaking West. In Russia, the term would be  Час Ч.   This is the day General Dwight D Eisenhower and the US military launched an offensive the size of Israel against the Nazis in Normandy, France and began to take the Western Front back, ending the stranglehold the Nazis had on the West. At the same time the Eastern Front was being assaulted by Stalin from Russia and Hitler had nowhere to go. D-Day was supposed to happen the day before, but bad weather prevented such. The day produced what it was intended, although with great casualty on both sides. Less than a year later on 8 May 1945 the German government surrendered in Berlin and World War 2 was ending. (It took a while longer for the Japanese to surrender after two atomic bombs killed its populace.)

Remember our campaign slogan is “The sword of the Lord and of Gideon.” We had to study his life and ministry first as that is the central idea in the book of Judges and in our life together on this campaign. Now we back up today to visit some other judges in chapter 3 of the book, and hope to learn what God wants to teach us today, as we continue in this all-out effort to make Yeshua known among the 150,000 Jews and all the 12 million people of Moscow in these days.

Let’s look at the purpose of the enemy in the Land: They were for testing Israel, to find out if they would obey the commandments of the LORD, which He had commanded their fathers through Moses. (Judges 3.4)

The reason God did not cause the entire enemy to fall under Joshua was to test or prove us as a people. Would we stand up for God no matter what we encountered? Would we learn to wage war in the future? In our modern language as believers, would we withstand temptation and live a godly life?

There are some images that might help us as believers as we think of living among the nations of the world. First I think of the image of the iceberg. The world and its way are compared to a big block of ice in the ocean. And we are compared to a fire, a small fire that is kindled nearby. If we can melt it, if we can affect change on it, then we ought to be living near it. If however, it begins to freeze our little fire and diminish us, then we are in trouble.

Perhaps you have tried to counsel a woman who is dating an unbeliever. You know it’s not right, and the Bible seems to say so, but she is not listening to you. She ‘loves’ the man. You try this image. Imagine yourself on the top of a table and pulling the man you love onto the top of the table. He at the same time is pulling at you, trying to help you fall down to his place. Which one will win? Usually, if we are honest, the man will win, and thus many women have fallen from their place in God to live a sinful life.

There are many other images we can use, but the point is this. God wants us to wage war against the enemy and if we do it correctly, we will win and He will get the glory. That’s real victory. Paul wrote the Corinthians:

For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh, for the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh, but divinely powerful for the destruction of fortresses, destroying speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ (2 Cor. 10.3-5)

The point of Paul’s comment is that we are in a battle and we have to fight the fight God wants us to fight, so that we win in His method and not for our own purposes. And remember, He is going to use us, as odd a choice as that is, to make His name known on the earth. Hallelujah!

Back to Judges 3. We see the pattern emerging. Israel forgetting God and being punished for it. But remember this is a punishment of discipline not a punishment of judgment. Let me make this point very very clear.

Then the anger of the LORD was kindled against Israel, so that He sold them into the hands of Cushan-rishathaim king of Mesopotamia; and the sons of Israel served Cushan-rishathaim eight years.   (Judges 3.8)

If God were finished with Israel, then the story would end there. If He were judging Israel as a failed nation, then the judgment which ensues would be final. BUT it is not!! Whenever we read of God’s pouring out trouble on the Jewish people, in the days of Moses or in the days of Isaiah or Micah or Jesus… the point is to wake us up, and to have us call on Him. I want you to think of the Holocaust as judgment by God on the Jewish people for living godlessly and for dismissing God from our conversation and daily life. But, the judgment is only temporary and the purpose of the judgment is to bring us to our knees, not to bury us in the grave. The apostle who wrote the book of Hebrews used the term “discipline” to help us learn this principle. We will come back to this in a day or so.

So in Judges 3, when Israel (.7) lived sinfully, and did what was evil in the sight of the Lord, He was angry with us and sold us into slavery. Wow, this is the same term used of Joseph by his brothers (Gen 37) and this term of God selling us is used four times in the book of Judges. We were already slaves to sin and to the nations of the world, so being officially slaves made sense to the Almighty. Peter said, “by what a man is overcome, by this he is enslaved.” (2 Peter 2.19)

That is a stern warning to me to keep my fire on and strong against the icebergs of the world.

So God raised up Caleb’s relative, named Othniel, and he became a military leader and the first of 7 judges listed in our book. As quickly as he is introduced, he wins the battle with the enemy and

Judg. 3.11 Then the land had rest forty years. And Othniel the son of Kenaz died.

It’s as if the little pattern of sin/ judgment/ cry out to the Lord/ deliverance is complete. But you and I know the ‘rest of the story.’ We know like in chapter 2

When the LORD raised up judges for them, the LORD was with the judge and delivered them from the hand of their enemies all the days of the judge; for the LORD was moved to pity by their groaning because of those who oppressed and afflicted them. But it came about when the judge died, that they would turn back and act more corruptly than their fathers, in following other gods to serve them and bow down to them; they did not abandon their practices or their stubborn ways. (2.18-19)

So, buckle your seat belt. This is exactly what happened after Othniel delivered the Jewish people.  After Othniel died and after the 40 years of complete rest, we read

Judg. 3.12 Now the sons of Israel again did evil in the sight of the LORD. So the LORD strengthened Eglon the king of Moab against Israel, because they had done evil in the sight of the LORD.

You would think we would learn. But we didn’t. And we still don’t. We still think God’s patience in final judging Israel and in final judging us means He won’t really ever punish wrong. But that’s exactly NOT what the Bible is saying.

Back to our story. Othniel delivers Israel and then we sin. Then we cry to God (.15) and God sends another man, a clever one, named Ehud. He is left-handed. And clever. And he meets with Eglon, the leader of Moab, another enemy of Israel, and kills him with a sword. The story is very descript. He plunges the sword into the fat belly of Eglon and the fat surrounds the sword. This must have been more like a dagger. His refuse comes out of him and Eglon is left on the floor dead. Ehud devises a clever exit strategy, locking the door, and telling his servants that Eglon is in the toilet. They wait a while, but then using the key find their lord on the floor dead.

Ehud and his Israeli troops kill 10,000 Moabites that campaign and as a result Israel lived securely for 80 full years. And the chapter ends with another barely-mentioned leader Shamgar who used an ox goad, which is a stick used to prod or make sure oxen keep moving in a direction, to kill 600 Philistines. That’s all the mention he gets in the Bible.

What do we learn today? What we are learning almost daily! God wants us to walk with Him completely, no pandering or no allowing sin in our lives. Don’t marry unbelievers. Don’t live like heathen and bow to idols. Trust in God or else we will be weak.

What is our strength? Listen to these words from your former national anthem:

Партия Ленина - сила народная    Lenin’s party: strength of our people…

We know, however, that our strength is not in Lenin’s party, but in the name and power of the Lord our God.

Some boast in chariots, and some in horses: but we will remember the name of the LORD our God. They are brought down and fallen: but we are risen, and stand upright. Save, LORD: let the king hear us when we call. (Psalm 20.7-9)

So our work is to believe in Him. Our effort needs to be to focus on the Lord each day, in the morning and in the evening. Some of you know that I take many photographs. Those are now available to each of you online and I will show you if you want to find and download any of them for you, for your family, for your newsletters, whatever you want. But a photo only works if the subject and the photographer get together. That is, if the person or object being photographed comes into focus on the camera. That is the work of a good photographer. I have to make sure the subject is in the lens and that the camera focuses clearly on the subject. If not, the picture is to be tossed aside.

In the same way, our focus is on Yeshua and His love for us and for all people. What we do today, this afternoon, wishing people “Shabbat shalom” and to “have a nice weekend” is only part of it. We have to personally trust Messiah for our lives, for their lives, and for His work to be done in them.

If we go out from here today in the strength of the Lord, and we trust Him for more contacts and people who really want to know about Him, we will have the victory. We will succeed. We will live securely like Israel of old. And that will give u